Earlier, I did a set at the Komedia in Brighton, a venue I’ve played successfully for many years. However tonite, I was performing as part of a gay and lesbian themed evening and they asked me to go on first. Not a great idea, my act is slightly confrontational, but i agreed because I liked the idea of getting back to London early ish.
Zoe L hosted and she was great, as always. But I felt tension the moment i set foot on stage. Then I realized it was a room full of women, with the occasional cocksucker for good measure. It was a gay and lesbian show, with a gay shortage in the audience, and, I was to find out, a shortage of irony and any sense of humor or, even, an awareness that these cunts were in a comedy room.
My act tripped along, getting laughs here and there but as I made fodder of racist remarks and small minded pc behavior, I realized I was making fun of the kind of middle class white fucks who were sitting watching me. The types that think they’re ‘cool’ and hip and have no ethnic friends and wonder why blacks are so angry. Self concsious and vicimized, these dykes think they have to defend everyone they’ve never met. Who knows, they’re women so anything could’ve happened: They might’ve been touched by an uncle, or maybe they’re all having their periods simultaneously, but by the time I was making fun of that missing English girl Maddy the room had a reason to turn on me, and they did.
The booing became uncontrollable. Then it calmed, because I wasn’t leaving the stage. I’ve never been booed off a stage, and I wasn’t going to let a room full of scary power dykes do the job. I mean, some of these women were frightening, even one of the employees complained that she’d seen them going in, and wondered why they were so large and intimidating.
“The last thing I’d wanna see going down on me” she told me, right before I went on, “is one of those huge heads.”
I guess I could’ve played it nicey nice on stage, I know Brighton lezzies have a reputation for being dull witted and humorless, but I gave them my respect by doing the act in the same way I’d play the straight room 2 floors below. I’m not there to babysit, and if they want juggling they should hire a fucking clown.
Then two skanky gays with dyed hair said to me, from the front row, “We paid!” I thought they were on my side, and they were saying ‘we wanna see your show’. Then one said, “We find you offensive, aggressive, arrogant…”
I thought, keep going, I sound hot.
I just didn’t know what to do, really. I wasn’t nervous, necessarily, but I did feel like my control of the room had been lost, especially when the lezzies in the back started singing like football hooligans. Seriously, I have NEVER had any abuse near the amount I suffered from those muffers, and though some gay men were trying their best to encourage me to stay on stage, I finished my set, as it was, and walked off stage to lots of booing and some cheers.
I suppose I could’ve attacked the crowd, but the room is so large i couldn’t really see past the first row, and anyway, I don’t attack people by screaming or throwing things or verbally harrassing anyone. That’s not my style. It would never occur to me to heckle. Were I ever in the audience, I’d simply leave the room if I was offended. I’d go to the bar and order a drink. But these pussy lickers see me as the enemy – male, attractive (comparatively), self assured and worst of all, American. Suddenly I was a terrorist, a rapist and their father, all rolled into one.
Zoe chastised them, and she was both embarrassed and annoyed by their behavior. But it did remind me that I’m so, so glat that I never set my sights on playing gay rooms, or doing some queer circuit as a comic that probably barely exists anyway. Dykes are a nightmare of course, as audience members, but really catagorizing myself in any way would’ve been limiting and, ultimately, disappointing. I might have turned into a bitter, one legged drunk with one joke and no friends, like another gay comic I started out with in San Francisco.
I just wonder why some people even leave the house. Or why I do, if this is the sort of shit I have to tolerate from retard homos. Really, these kind of Brighton cunts would push me way back in the closet, if I were freshly out. Why is it the only really bad response i get is from gays and muffie muffs? The San Jose Gay and Muffer Centre in Califronia tried to have me banned. I just did a corporate for some gay swimmers last week, and they stared at me like I was a martian. And now this. Maybe we gays are our own worst enemies. Maybe I should fuck women. Would that make me more marketable? I guess I could ask George Clooney.
Anyway, come to my show in Manchester. October 20th, at the Dancehouse Theatre. It’s part of the comedy festival there, and I’m doing an hour, and it will be great because northerners like a good laugh. I hope.
xxx