Scott Capurro

Comic. Actor. Author.

My August column for Gay Times is a bit too intimate, maybe. A good friend read it and said, “Can you be sued for this?”

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Thing is, I’ve changed the other person’s name. Barely. So that’s ok, right? Why am I so fucked up? Maybe this impending Fringe festival in Edinburgh is making me anxious, poisoning my rational narrative. Or maybe I’ve lost control because I want to. Someday I might find peace. In the meantime, struggling, stifled romance will […]

Yeah, and this really happened too. I still have the fucking bruise.

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Why do audiences take themselves so seriously? I could understand if we were trapped at the National Theatre watching Bosnians burying babies, but for fucksake this is comedy and I’m a dick joke teller. It even said ‘comedy’ on the wall behind the stage. Are these seated cunts illiterate? Or just unimpressed? My arm hurt […]

Apparently some trannies and their supporters read this in Gay Times, and assumed because I wrote it that I hate trannies. Is everyone a cunt? Or maybe everybody is just drunk. Since when did asking a question satirically mean that the writer hates the subject? Does anyone read anything other than their own name and their own story again and again and again?

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I suppose the complainers are miserable twats, sure, but worse, they’re uninformed and unevolved. I thought they’d appreciate the recognition, most people walk by or over trannies and hope that they’re an imagination’s figment. I instead paid them respect through recognition, but frankly, like the Diana inquest or the war in Iraq, I fear time […]

Hey kids, so I’m posting my march article for Gay Times, along with a piece i wrote for Time Out magazine, London, which has really helped promote my run at the Soho Theatre. Have you booked tickets yet? You fucking cunts, it’s gonna sell out, and then what? Huh? Will we ever really be friends? To be honest, I’m posting these for the three ladies who came along to the Soho on opening night. They read my blog, as they announced, and seriously, they are my favorite people right now.

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Gay Times March 2008 The script I’ve penned for my show at the Soho Theatre (March 21/22, 25-29, if you’re interested) has set off warning sirens at my management’s office. Apparently some of my jokes might incite cultural racism and homophobia, which is now, in London, illegal. “Homophobia is illegal?” I coyly ask my agent, […]

Here’s February, for free you cunts. Enjoy.

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GT Magazine Scott Capurro February, 2008 Surely we’re not still celebrating Valentine’s Day. Lovers dancing in the streets whilst tossing rose petals over one another is at best gloatingly showy and at worst environmentally unsound; and Hallmark cards that read “I love our kind of love” are as embarrassing as right-wing Zionism. On February 14th, […]

This new year’s ‘celebration’ seems a bit moan-y to me whilst re-reading, but i admire the artistry. Oh, fuck off, i’m kidding, the artistry is far too subtle for you to understand. Speaking of flabbiness, I am SO depressed after trying on clothes today. I am, officially, flabby. Not fat. That would be pitiful. Instead I have skinny flab, which makes me look like a lazy faggot who relies on his charms. But the reality is, I work out every day! Between the yoga and the swimming, I barely have time to cruise hotel toilets. I guess I have to cut back on the pasta and brownies. I’m loosing the struggle with gravity. Sorry, I’ve lost it. But enjoy the article.x

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Columnist Scott Capurro Subject Sore Spot PQ “I was sure that by 45 I’d be a huge international success, loaded with plaudits, wearing tweed blazers and seducing 19-year-olds at book signings” As a youth, I looked forward to my 40s as my semi-retired, mostly vacationing decade. I was sure then that by 45 I’d be […]

Lesbians don’t really scare me, in general, but as an angry pack of politically correct wolves, they can seem daunting. Speaking of which, when will Ellen Degeneres be funny? Is it enough to dance like a dyke on a dull-witted chat show? Someone has to drop her and Oprah down a well, and soon. Trying to explain everything is going to kill us all. Sometimes the most interesting thing about being alive is the complete absence of conscious thought. Not everything can be Oprah-fied, including her own lesbianism. Anyway, here’s my reaction to small minds.

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Scott Capurro GT December 2007 Because I’m a male cocksucker, I get invited to all sorts of liberal events. I suppose lefties mistakenly assume that fucking boy butt means I share their views. For example, when I think animals, I think yummy, what’s for dinner? “You can’t boil a lobster!” I was told, at an […]

So here’s my November article for Gay Times, and this retard shit really happened. This sweet guy on the bus sort of harassed me, but he reminded me of some material I was trying to justify, discussing excuses, which have replaced explanations. Nobody seems to be able to explain their own behavior, and I haven’t heard anyone really apologize for anything that matters for so long. I think Jimmy Carter was the last public official to say he/she was sorry. I like Tony Blair, he’s glamorous and smart, but he’s got A LOT of explaining to do. I mean, I’m over the smile, especially now that’s he’s sort of fixed his front tooth, but not really. How hard is it to straighten a tooth? Isn’t he rich? I mean, what the fuck?

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Scott Capurro GT November 2007 Whilst heading for the last empty seat on a San Francisco bus, I stumbled over a rider’s white sneaker, and apologized. “That’s alright,” he said, “don’t worry. I know you. You’re that man from the store.” I wasn’t sure which store. I’m always in search of the perfect cashmere V-neck, […]

Ok, here’s some info about my trip to Canada. Toronto is a generous town, full of hungry husbands with nothing better to do than inspect my suite. I was shocked how small and slightly snipey the comedy world is there. I mean, it’s Canada. You expect everyone to be arms akimbo, at all times, and very kind. Syrupy, to coin a Canadian phrase. But there’s just not enough work to sustain all the comic geniuses there, so things get competitive and tense and there can be tears. Not mine. Crying is a white person thing.

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Scott Capurro GT October 2007 Hotel rooms are a cock magnet. Even this traveling tanned carcass can lure away from their offices married men seeking a quick fix in innocuous surroundings. My room is a model U.N., proving the cultural diversity of Toronto is no myth: Every country, it seems, has been through my door. […]